Dinner Dress

There was never a color before
That looked brighter on a woman
Than black

Mother Earth News Blog #8 Growing Asparagus From Seed

Here's a link to the Mother Earth News blog post on Growing Asparagus From Seed

Forestland

I was here first.

And when I say I, I mean we
And when I say we, I mean me
And a handful more but
not more than a few.
On this hill, in that valley
with our pads and our shoes


And grass lived here still,
in that place where you lay
to admire the vista
on this beautiful day

There were faces, but no names
And flowers and bones
And I knew this could be my temple
I knew this was my home

You can't understand this.....
I won't ask you to try
There's too much strength in your limbs
and lust in your eyes

But I was here first
not nearly the first
staining these walls
with my blood and my thirst

a springtime garden

Today I entered my garden
I did not know what I was looking for
I did not know what I would find
Kneeling down, my hands touching the ground
My heart stretched open
and accepted the sun as her companion
The birdsong of complex melodies
became the playlist of my peace
and the smile I knew was lurking
spread across my face.

snow moon

It is the last snow moon;
the last of its kind.
The last time the light would shine so brightly
that daylight kissed the sky through the darkness
and all the mysteries of the night were laid bare in plain sight.

The waning brings with it the rising of a different season
and the snow moon sleeps again.

In this blue light, I love you more
and no horizon exists to limit our hopes.
I will exhale my ambitions and breath in
the green grass of springtime.
And dream of the snow moon and the
frosty spirits that flow from me
freely toward the stars.

Middle Age; The Short List

Several truths of middle age that no one will ever tell you about (until it is too late); these are the things I think about when I am stuck at my desk fulfilling the tasks that are required of me to be a successful adult (When really, I would rather be outside playing).

1. You will drown in paperwork. You will spend hours of your life sorting through applications for health insurance, sports team sign-ups, vehicle registration, employment forms, school permission slips, jury duty surveys, mortgage applications and tax documents. You'll hate it and wish you could pawn it off on someone else but find that there is actually no one who can save you from this dreadful fate.

2. In your late 30s your skin starts to loosen. Those small, fine ridges that you observed on the arms of your grandma have now become the same topography  you observe on your own arms. Suddenly, your evenly toned pigment begins to dissolve to reveal every scab you ever picked, every sunburn you ever regretted, every cut or scrape that you forgot you even received. Its all there, written out in the colorless blotches that now begin to spread over your hands.  Your veins begin to fatten and pucker; popping up like a hidden mountain range in purple and green.

3. Hair grows at an astounding rate. Your eyebrows, nose hairs, chin hairs, lip hairs, mole hairs, shoulder hairs, back hairs, ear hairs, belly hairs.... all take on a life of their own as the hair on your head that you are accustomed to caring for coarsens, grays and may eventually fall out. Slowly, you spend more time managing all the funky unwanted hairs than the hair you actually like on your body. You invest in multiple pairs of tweezers and stash them in emergency locations (like your purse).

4. My God! You own a purse, and its getting bigger. Probably to hold all that paperwork....and all the other odds and ends that you now seem to require on a daily basis just to make it through life. Gone are the days of a tube of chapstick and a $20 bill stuffed into the front pocket of your jeans.

5. Your favorite music is at least 20 years old. Yep, it happened. Somehow along the way you stopped spending your life's energy keeping up on the most popular, most hip, most cutting edge new bands and found that really, all you wanted to listen to on this beautiful sunny day was the Cure. You still attend shows but have found that even your favorite bands are now touring acoustically and with assigned seats. Eventually, your kids will discover that everything that you have been forcing them to listen to all these years is actually Not That Cool when you are under the age of 30. And, even more cruelly, when you do start to find yourself gravitating toward modern day talents, you start to feel awkward and creepy; like that old dude who always stood at the back of the show and you wondered why the hell he was still hanging out with a bunch of kids. Congratulations, that is now You.

6.You want to go to bed early. Your parents weren't actually as lame as you thought they were. You really do get tired more easily as you get older. Must be all that shitty paperwork....

7. It's harder to stay strong. Part of the loose skin issue mentioned in #2 comes from the ever-decreasing muscle mass that actually took up space under all that skin. Take pictures of yourself in a bikini now...your days of  looking good in it are numbered. You feel every major injury you ever received and realize that if you stop moving now, you will remain forever stuck in an arthritic stupor that will never loosen its grip. You decide to start drinking lots of water just to keep your eyes from sinking into your skull, exposing the dark circles that show exactly just how old you are becoming.

8. Sugar doesn't taste as good. Probably because now, every time you eat it, you feel it gnawing away at your receding gums, the root canal you should have gotten last year or the cavity that seems to be forming just to the side of your last filling. Your teeth are f*d up, but at least they haven't started falling out....yet....

9. You now know with certainty that you are never going to retire. All those aspirations you had when you were younger of putting aside enough money to quit your job when you turned 45 to travel the world, are laughable now. Mostly, you are hoping that you will be able to save enough to get your kids though college and maybe hold on to your house long enough to die in it and not in some housing complex above the senior center.

10. You never knew you would have so much happiness and heart ache in your life. You never knew the world could be so deceptive and so kind at the same time. You never knew how lucky you would be or how hard you would have to struggle. And now that you know it, you can't help wondering how you will make it through the second half of your life without suffering a mental breakdown. But you also know that time seems to move faster as you get older and, in a way, you wish it would all slow down and that summertime would last forever the way that it did when you were a child.

And lastly, and most importantly, you realize that although your body will eventually fail you faster and faster with each passing year, your soul will go on forever. And beauty really is in the eye of the beholder and that youth is a state of mind. And that nothing is certain in life except death and taxes. And that the only way I am going to finish mine so that I can go out and play, is to get back to work.....Happy Saturday.

Thankfulness

What am I thankful for?  I thought I could summarize this in a word or two; maybe a string of emotions or the obvious list of nouns. 

As I sit here, my thanks is nearly overwhelming. It bubbles up from the center of my chi and enters the world through every pore of my being. I feel my inner heart filling and my eyes watering as I contemplate what it means to be 'thankful'.....

It is easiest to start with those closest to me.

I am thankful for my husband; my compassionate partner. We, by a small miracle, found each other long ago and the bond that we forged forms the ramparts of my heart.

I give gratitude to the forces that brought our children to us; each unique, loving, beautiful molecule of their beings....

I am blessed with a family; scattered across the frozen tundra, rolling fields, sapphire lakes and desert lands far from my home. Although we are far, I feel them calling...

I remember my ancestors; both those I have known and those who are a mystery. Without you, I am nothing.

My friends, near and far, fill me with happiness. I embrace them today with my love.

And yes, our pets. Dogs and cats living together in anarchy. You warm our beds and encourage us to curl up for a nap once in a while.

I am thankful for the divine intervention of art, creativity and ingenuity. Of mathematics, language and scientific inquiry. These human expressions of the innermost secrets of our world are the bright colors in the tapestry of my life. Without them, I am black and white.

I am thankful to live in peace. This thanks is larger than me. It is one voice in a collective sigh of relief and often of guilt. The world is in need of more islands of solitude. Today, I send my cry of mercy to those in this world living in struggle. May peace find you, may you have loving kindness surround you and keep you safe.

I send my gratitude to our Earth, our mother. You have granted us unlimited possibilities to enjoy your beauty. You create and destroy. May we all find a space for you in our lives. I remain humble before you.

I send my thanks to the heavens that surround us. Each night, I am afforded the opportunity to observe the immensness of your contribution in my life.

I live in a state of Thanks but today I celebrate it as the focal point of my thoughts. Love to all of you and a Happy Thanksgiving.

Elemental Life

Why does life form?
A better question would be, Why doesn't it?
Why does Iron form?  An elemental bi-product of the inevitable chemistry of the universe.
Life is an element. An inevitability that arises like a phoenix from within the universal rules of chemistry and physics. Life abounds in all places. Life abounds where we cannot yet see. We have never been alone. We are not alone now.

existential

I don't know much about life after death but I may believe in life after life.
*****
what do you see when you look at yourself? do you know that person well? can you look them in the eyes? who looks back?
*****
I used to turn myself around and around, in front of a mirror, trying to understand.
My mother hinted that I may be vain....a mortal sin. What I could not explain to her, in my child's voice, was my curiosity as to who I was. This shell that I inhabit must be very different from the last. Who grows up thinking that they have been placed inside the wrong body? Who physically feels their eyes becoming windows....not made of glass but a set fashioned from thin sheets of Muscovite; ancient and milky?
*****
A friend and I have shared the same dreams. Not a hypothetical dream for the future or the ephemeral dream to someday be a writer (although we do dream that dream together)  but the dreams of the unconscious soul. Dreams of lilacs blossoms blowing on the breeze, dreams of dead friends, dreams of the divine. He once explained to me that he can no longer meditate because he is afraid of what he will find. He has found the way....the tunnel that leads to light. He found the way and the one on the other side shot out of the darkness and delivered a hard right hooked punch to his gut. He will not meditate now; the pain was too real.
Many of us have found this place and are afraid to enter. We are not taught to know what to do when we arrive and so we flee. But we are drawn here, over and over, to stand at the gate and to let the wind howl past. The buzzing and crackle and the alignment of neural energy....if you have been here you may know how startling this discovery can be.
*****
I do not believe in who I am...Meaning, I do not believe that this is all I am meant to be. I have been more and I have been less. I have purpose and with luck, my life will have meaning to others. After I pass, I may return as a swallow, another woman, a man, or your cat. I may be the ant who is tortured by children or the peasant who is tortured by circumstance.
I will not return as a demon....one of the unconscionable souls tending the alter of economy, persecution and power. Hell is very real but its dimension exists now. Demons exist but they wear the skins of sharks and prey upon the poor. Damnation is often a choice.
*****
Are we animal or are we human? Do you know the difference? Lost Souls, you are not lost. You have only forgotten the way. The path is laid out before you, now walk forth and exist.

summer skin

I stand naked before the mirror and admire the return of my summer skin;
pale pink above my breasts and bronze in over lapping layers of straps and sleeves. Muscles form and re-form in a progression down the length of my arms.
The silt washes off in a torrent of mud mixed with the sweet scent of soap;
my hair once again bright as the moon; casting off the dullness of the day in its many layers of sweat, grime and sunshine.
My toes will not be clean again until the leaves fall from the trees in their cascade of relief and exhaustion, as summer wanes and autumn embraces us with darkness.
Next to the sink, I study the black of my hat. Its surface a rainbow of textures;  an oil soaked and sleek band fades into bleached and brittle edges. A history and a reflection of my unconscious habit of removing it and reapplying it over and over as I struggle to shield my eyes from the light....my fingerprints are nearly visible on the brim. Like my toes, my fingers will bear the burden of the season; rough and frayed corners, calluses, and healed-over blisters.
From head to toe, I am amused by my appearance and I contemplate Pearl S. Buck's The Good Earth. I remember my mother, grandmothers, great-grand mothers. I look into my own eyes and see eternity laid out before me.
I am the one that arrives with dirt in the cuffs, spots, stains and small tears.I am a woman of beauty; a creature of struggle, persistence and undying optimism. I am the light that is not seen and only felt. I am starlight and madness. I am the womb of creation. I am all of these things. I am dust.

Inside of Me

Only when you walk
Naked through your house
Are you Truly Free

It is when
You walk naked through your garden
That you are Truly Wild

el lago

As I sit here staring at these peaks, this lake, this life
My children with toes buried up to their ankles
The gentle slap of water on sand
And try to imagine a life without
this place....
without this warm sun....
without the evergreen, cedar skeletons, pebbles, solitude.....
On this perfect May day
 in this place that I call home
but is not the home of my birth
And will I ever feel fully at home
as at home as a birth-right allows?
Is this the gift we give our children
without them knowing it
This security of belonging
to a mountain vista
never questioning
only living
only alive

change

nothing lasts forever;
but if you are lucky, it will last a lifetime

headbugs

when the gnawing and clawing become overwhelming,
the writing begins

While you were out...

Hi Mom,
Just wanted to let you know
That while you were shopping,
Your Democracy was stolen

my eyes

the wait is over, the wrinkles are here
youth retreats, each glance in the mirror
:-)

I can't believe I am starting a Damn blog. I swore I would never blog...never ever would I share my thoughts out loud. And now, here I sit, writing. Let's hope this is for the best.